they're just shadows searching for light

[flightpen]

CONTENT WARNINGS: character death, character being eaten


Ren's been here for weeks now, wandering Tokyo like a ghost, poking his head cautiously through doors into other places. The people are... well, anyway, most of them treat him better than he deserves. He can talk to them, and they can see him no matter how he feels. It's good. It should be good. But no matter how hard Ren tries to put on a brave face for Akechi, he's so worried all the time.

It's just, whenever Ren walks the streets of Tokyo, he can't help but think of what's beneath him. Akechi's Shadow, everything that was torn out of him, anger and betrayal and seething hatred. Hatred of Ren. Ren deserves it, he brought it on himself, he's the reason that Shadow even exists, but he can't—he can't just let it stay there, unacknowledged. He can't ignore it. He ignored Akechi once before, and look what happened.

The Shadow is dangerous, people have said. Deadly. But Ren has all his Personas again, the ones that were meant to take on Maruki; there's a chance he'll survive. And even if he doesn't, even if he dies... no one can honestly say that would be a great loss. And he'll have died showing Akechi, all of Akechi, that he matters enough to take the risk. Because he does matter. More than anything.

Still, he doesn't want to leave the Akechi in the real world without a word. Just in case it does go wrong. So he sits through an afternoon with Akechi, quiet and distracted, and when the time comes for him to leave and find food (or at least that's what he says), he turns back at the door of Akechi's apartment.

"Hey, um. Can I tell you something?"

Comments

[flightpen]

"Don't say that." It's quiet, barely above a whisper, and lacks any particular tone of censure. But Ren doesn't like it.

[pheasantboy]

"All right," he acquiesces at once, still stroking Ren's hair, his shoulder. He's forgotten that Igor is behind the desk, that he's even in the room; he's just so glad to be able to comfort Ren like this.

He pulls Ren a little closer, reaching for something better to talk about. "You know, my mother used to hold me just like this."

[flightpen]

Maybe it shouldn't be a surprise that Akechi's mother is on his mind. Ren makes a quiet, inquisitive noise, inviting him to continue. He doesn't want to think about anything; he just wants to stay where he is, and breathe, and listen.

[pheasantboy]

"Mm." He makes a quiet, affirmative noise in response. "When I was very small. Long before she died."

In other words, before they moved to Yonchome, and she sickened.

[flightpen]

" 's nice."

He wishes he could fall asleep and never wake up. Like that other Akechi's Ren. But then Akechi would be sad. Even if it wouldn't be forever, he's sadder now than Ren knew he could be.

[pheasantboy]

His hands play lightly in Ren's hair, and against his back. "I can lie down, if you want. I'm not very good at all this, but I could try."

He still hasn't forgotten Ren flinching from him in the kitchen. From his wrongness. He thinks he'd do anything if it could help. "Come to that, we should probably get you home. You need food. Medicine. Sleep, I'm sure."

[flightpen]

He doesn't want Akechi to let go of him. But even now, in this state, he knows he can't take advantage of Akechi's malleability. If he wants to go home, all Ren can do is agree, because if he doesn't, Akechi will just do whatever he wants.

When Akechi mentions food, though, he starts to laugh. Just quiet, barely-there giggles against Akechi's chest, but once he's started, he can't stop.

[pheasantboy]

It's harrowing. Akechi clings to him, first trying to hush him, then giving him a little shake. "Ren? What's wrong?"

[flightpen]

God, he can't tell Akechi he was eaten, at least in a manner of speaking. Akechi's already so upset. But he doesn't have the brainpower to think of a lie, so between his near-voiceless but increasingly hysterical laughter he just gasps out, "Food."

[pheasantboy]

It must be normal, he thinks hazily, for Ren to be this confused. For him to have strange emotional reactions. But it feels like he's convulsing, choking in Akechi's arms. Dying again.

"Ren" he says again, sharper and louder. "You need to stop."

[flightpen]

He swallowed me. He turned into something else and swallowed me and I breathed in his pain and then he shrank again and I—

He presses his lips together until the words no longer fill his mouth. He can't say that stuff. Akechi would be so upset. And Ren did it to himself, anyway, by going down there.

A side effect of this is that he stills in Akechi's arms, until, a long moment later, he takes a breath. "Sorry," he mumbles. He's actually going crazy. Giggling to himself like that.

[pheasantboy]

"Shh." He cradles Ren in his arms, pulling his head close to his chest. It's easier now. Vaguely, he wonders if the rest of them feel like this all the time. "Catch your breath. Calm down."

[flightpen]

Ren tries to breathe. Maruki taught him the exercises, and he hates that they work, but he has nothing else to fall back on. It's not the first time. It makes him feel small, though. Helpless.

But it does get his breathing under control, enough to realize that he's started trembling in Akechi's arms. Is that shock, or something? He doesn't remember.

"We can go home." Since that's what Akechi seems to want. "No food."

[pheasantboy]

"All right." He pulls Ren closer yet, resting his cheek on the top of his head, trying to impart reassurance and safety through his skin. "But you'll drink something, right? Don't make me text Shrike."

It's a weak little joke: his fingers brush Ren's temple in apology.