they're just shadows searching for light

[flightpen]

CONTENT WARNINGS: character death, character being eaten


Ren's been here for weeks now, wandering Tokyo like a ghost, poking his head cautiously through doors into other places. The people are... well, anyway, most of them treat him better than he deserves. He can talk to them, and they can see him no matter how he feels. It's good. It should be good. But no matter how hard Ren tries to put on a brave face for Akechi, he's so worried all the time.

It's just, whenever Ren walks the streets of Tokyo, he can't help but think of what's beneath him. Akechi's Shadow, everything that was torn out of him, anger and betrayal and seething hatred. Hatred of Ren. Ren deserves it, he brought it on himself, he's the reason that Shadow even exists, but he can't—he can't just let it stay there, unacknowledged. He can't ignore it. He ignored Akechi once before, and look what happened.

The Shadow is dangerous, people have said. Deadly. But Ren has all his Personas again, the ones that were meant to take on Maruki; there's a chance he'll survive. And even if he doesn't, even if he dies... no one can honestly say that would be a great loss. And he'll have died showing Akechi, all of Akechi, that he matters enough to take the risk. Because he does matter. More than anything.

Still, he doesn't want to leave the Akechi in the real world without a word. Just in case it does go wrong. So he sits through an afternoon with Akechi, quiet and distracted, and when the time comes for him to leave and find food (or at least that's what he says), he turns back at the door of Akechi's apartment.

"Hey, um. Can I tell you something?"

Comments

[flightpen]

Ren takes a shaky breath. Raoul doesn't move, but a phantom hand on his shoulder steadies him nonetheless.

"I just. Wanted to meet you. That's all."

The splintered shards of their shattered bond are almost tangible. If Ren reached out, he could cut his hands on them.

[pheasantboy]

The Shadow's face screws up in disgust. If he had a pulse, he'd feel it pounding.

"Bullshit. You came down here to see your handiwork. To play your pitiful piece-of-shit guilt games with me!" He takes another silent step closer, on the control room's polished floor, feeling himself threaten to yawn wide open.

"What is it, am I your conscience now? Do you like what you see?" He throws his arms wide. "Do you have even the first inkling of what you did to me?"

[flightpen]

Before he got here, he would have said yes, he knew. Now, he's not so sure. His instincts are screaming at him that he's in danger; he swallows hard and ignores them.

"Tell me, then. If you want."

Does Akechi's Shadow exist at home? It must, right? Everyone has a Shadow, unless Maruki's reality has changed that. Is he just like this? All the time?

[pheasantboy]

Very well, then. All at once, lips twisted with hate, he raises his hands in Ren's direction. The black of his gloves—or are they gloves?—moves, with a vicious, viscid shimmer.

Thick ropes fly out of him, jet black and oozing, like the shit Shadows leave behind when they die. Faster than the eye can see, they make a beeline for Ren.

[flightpen]

And Ren is on edge, expecting an attack, but the misery of seeing Akechi like this weighs so heavily on him that his reaction time is just a little slower than it could be. He twists to the side but only manages to fall against the—ropes, tentacles, he doesn't know—whatever they are, they cage him in on either side, restricting his movement.

Trapped, he calls on Raoul, and a riot gun cascades down from the ceiling in a burst of golden chaos, targeted not at Akechi but at the black things keeping Ren in place. At the same time, he draws his dagger and tries to slash at them. His body thrums with adrenaline and fear; a sharper, more painful fear than he's ever felt in the Metaverse before, except for one time in December, in the engine room of Shido's Palace.

[pheasantboy]

But the black ropes the Shadow shot from his heart last only long enough to make his point; with a loud, snapping sound as they cut through the air, they retreat back into him. He comes closer, spitting rage, scratched and barely caring.

"You see? You're as blind and as stupid as you ever were! I spoonfeed your answers to you, and you ignore them! Or you kill them, which is the same, isn't it?" His lips have drawn back, and his teeth, rather than looking human, have a metallic gleam. Three metres separate them now, no more.

"What do you think Maruki did to me, when he had me in Mementos? How do you think he controls that puppet you made, that has my face?"

[flightpen]

Ren holds his dagger in a white-knuckled grip, balanced on the balls of his feet to ready himself to dodge again. His heart races with fear, and as Akechi talks, that fear only grows.

"I don't—I didn't know," he manages, aware as he says it of how utterly inadequate it is. But it's all he has to offer. His skin crawls at the image Akechi's Shadow presents. "I just thought... But if that's how it works, why hasn't he. Changed back, or something? Now that you're not..."

It isn't lost on him that the Akechi aboveground is different than he is back home. But he's more different still than he was before Ren made his decision. If Akechi's Shadow has to be... puppeted, or something... to make him that way, shouldn't he have changed more?

cw sa adjacent imagery

[pheasantboy]

The Shadow's whole face twists with loathing. "What happens to any stupid animal, when you train it? Before long, you don't have to train it any more."

He steps closer. All the while, he's never looked away. "I wish I'd known before. What it feels like to be a Shadow. It's like I'm a frame for nothing at all. A pretty void with a shell of skin. Or maybe that's just me, hm?" he adds, with a sour little laugh.

"Maybe it's not surprising, after I came here. After all the shit Maruki skewered me with was gone. That must have left a few holes." And, very close to Ren now, he finally looks down at his hand, as the black leather shifts and twists, as it lazily elongates and contracts in place. "I'd say you're lucky I'm not vindictive, but we both know that's a fucking lie."

[flightpen]

The thought of Maruki—of Akechi's Shadow—Ren can't even put it in words; even the image makes him want to vomit. He shudders. He can't stand it, he can't stand any of this, and he can't stand Akechi talking about himeslf like that. About either of them, the Akechi aboveground who's not a stupid animal or Akechi's Shadow, who's more than just a—a void.

He knows it's a bad idea to say so, but everything about this situation is a bad idea, and if he doesn't say anything he's going to scream, or cry. "Don't talk about yourself like that."

[pheasantboy]

The Shadow looks abruptly back at him, face hard, his stream of vitriol cut off. "What?"

[flightpen]

"Like you're a—a dumb animal, or a void. They're both wrong."

[pheasantboy]

"Don't mix me up with that thing you made! I'm nothing like him! Nothing! Do you understand me?" And his arm flies out, elongating only slightly, to grab Ren by his coat collar and shake him.

Hunger vibrates in the depths of him, unpredictable, twisting.

[flightpen]

"Okay, fine, I'm sorry." Ren's hands fly up to try to dislodge the Shadow's grip, but his efforts are halfhearted at best. That thing you made. I'm nothing like him. Akechi's not a thing, but the rest of it is true enough. "Then don't talk about yourself or him like that."

[pheasantboy]

He oozes closer, feet sticking to the floor. His other hand seizes Ren's collar. His eyes are wide, wide, golden like the moon on a summer night.

"If you wanted to keep giving me orders, Ren, you shouldn't have sold me out." He feels like he's floating. Like his chains have been lifted, and peace is close. Like it might soon all be over.

[flightpen]

This is really, really fucking bad. Ren thinks, briefly, of the real Akechi, and is glad he said his goodbyes. But he can't bear what Akechi's Shadow is saying, what he seems to believe about Ren's feelings.

"I'm sorry. About what I did. I—I am." His voice cracks. "But Akechi, I would never sell you out. I just—"

[pheasantboy]

I would never sell you out. His face freezes. The words touch something that somehow still exists inside him.

It lasts no more than a moment, before his face twists and he throws Ren aside like a doll, making to follow him. "You fucking liar."

[flightpen]

Akechi's Shadow is stronger than he could ever be in reality; Ren hits the floor with a bone-bruising thud and gasps. Somewhere in his flight, he's let go of his dagger. Breathing hard from pain and adrenaline, he stares urgently at Akechi's Shadow as he tries to push himself to his feet. If he can't do anything else here, maybe he can at least make this known.

"It wasn't like that. I didn't want you to die. I couldn't—it wasn't because I didn't—"

He's losing track of his words again, now, when he needs them most. Fuck.

[pheasantboy]

"I told you I wanted to die!" Composure gone, voice distorting, the Shadow comes apart, impacting on the walls in a flash of black rage before snapping back together at Ren's side, with his shoulders in an iron grip. "What about any of this do you think I wanted?!

"All that shit you fed me about how you couldn't bear to let me die!" He shakes Ren as if he's wringing him out. "You were right. You could never be a traitor, Joker. You haven't got the balls! I'd rather be back with Shido than with you!"

His hands are still knotted in Ren's coat.

[flightpen]

The cruelty of it takes Ren's breath away, all the more so because he knows Akechi's Shadow means it. For a moment all Ren can do is stare at him, wide-eyed, bleeding grief and hurt into the space between them.

His mind is utterly blank. He has no idea what he can say, but he tries anyway. "Akechi..."

[pheasantboy]

"Don't call me that!" With a flailing sweep of his arm, he knocks Ren flying. "I'll never be Goro Akechi again! You took my name! You took my face, my body, and made them into a toy! This is all I'll ever be, and I can't even die to escape it!"

He sits on his haunches, coat draped around him, watching Ren with hate-filled eyes. A trace of calm returns to him, even of calculation. "So you got what you wanted, I guess."

[flightpen]

Ren's head slams against the floor this time, and for a second he blinks at the ceiling, dazed. He pieces together the Shadow's words after he fact as he struggles to sit up. If he weren't in the Metaverse, he'd be unconscious for... who knows how long.

Who are you, then? What do you want? The questions rise to his lips, but he doesn't ask them yet. Before anything else, he has to... Fuck, it's such a bad idea to argue about this, even Raoul cautions against it, but he hates how people talk about Akechi. When his own Shadow is the one saying that stuff, it's unbearable.

"I never wanted you to be a toy. And he's not one now."

[pheasantboy]

He stares in disbelief, the simple plan he'd begun to lay out forgotten. "You see? You see?! You don't even want me! You like him better, the way he is. A pretty little thing that eats from your hand. Doesn't murder anyone, or piss on the rug.

"You got exactly what you wanted!" His voice pitches up to a scream. "And you're making me pay for your cowardice!"

[flightpen]

"I don't prefer him!" For the first time, he raises his voice to Akechi's Shadow, glaring across the control room even as the walls tilt and spin around him. He props himself up on one arm. "You're just making stuff up now! I miss you every fucking day—"

His voice cracks again. He swallows hard. "I can think he's a person and miss you at the same time."

[pheasantboy]

The whole world turns black.

"Shut up!" The voice is like nothing human; he flies apart, expanding, impacting on the walls and still screaming. "Shut up, shut up, shut up! I hate you! I hate you!"

He has, somehow, got around Ren; he lines the whole of Maruki's control room, with Ren pressed against his inside wall. The screaming comes to an end, but he doesn't recoalesce. There's a tiny spark of life left in his darkness, and he wants to keep it.

[flightpen]

Well. He was warned.

It's like nothing he's experienced before, or even seen: a Shadow flying apart and swallowing someone. He can't see, or hear anything besides his own breathing, and every time he inhales he takes more of the despair and guilt of Akechi's Shadow into himself. Why does the Shadow feel guilty?

He isn't sure he could fight back right now, or even stand up. Blood trickles down the back of his neck. But it doesn't matter. He doesn't want to struggle. He deserves this. He belongs here, in the dark, soaking in the reality of what he did until Akechi's Shadow does whatever he's going to do. You're making me pay for your cowardice. The Shadow had been wrong about the rest of it, but that's the truest thing anyone's ever said to Ren.

He thinks of Akechi, the one on the surface, his constant concern and his voice, calling frantically for Ren on the street in Kichijoji; and he thinks of the way Akechi talks about his mother now. It'll be like that with Ren. Out of sight, out of mind, except when someone brings him up. He went when it was his time. Maybe Ren's doing him a favor, honestly. Not sitting in front of him being sad all the time, where Akechi can't distract himself. He'll be better off once Ren passes out of his memory.

"I'm sorry," he breathes, to Akechi and to his Shadow. With steady hands, he takes off his mask and sets it down beside him. It doesn't make any practical difference, in terms of whether he can fight; he could call it back with a thought. But the gesture speaks, nonetheless.