they're just shadows searching for light

[flightpen]

CONTENT WARNINGS: character death, character being eaten


Ren's been here for weeks now, wandering Tokyo like a ghost, poking his head cautiously through doors into other places. The people are... well, anyway, most of them treat him better than he deserves. He can talk to them, and they can see him no matter how he feels. It's good. It should be good. But no matter how hard Ren tries to put on a brave face for Akechi, he's so worried all the time.

It's just, whenever Ren walks the streets of Tokyo, he can't help but think of what's beneath him. Akechi's Shadow, everything that was torn out of him, anger and betrayal and seething hatred. Hatred of Ren. Ren deserves it, he brought it on himself, he's the reason that Shadow even exists, but he can't—he can't just let it stay there, unacknowledged. He can't ignore it. He ignored Akechi once before, and look what happened.

The Shadow is dangerous, people have said. Deadly. But Ren has all his Personas again, the ones that were meant to take on Maruki; there's a chance he'll survive. And even if he doesn't, even if he dies... no one can honestly say that would be a great loss. And he'll have died showing Akechi, all of Akechi, that he matters enough to take the risk. Because he does matter. More than anything.

Still, he doesn't want to leave the Akechi in the real world without a word. Just in case it does go wrong. So he sits through an afternoon with Akechi, quiet and distracted, and when the time comes for him to leave and find food (or at least that's what he says), he turns back at the door of Akechi's apartment.

"Hey, um. Can I tell you something?"

Comments

[flightpen]

Ren is distracted, glancing behind him as the doors close to make sure Akechi's not following him in. And the journey is quick, just a couple seconds, not long enough for him to look around and notice any extra inhabitants of the driver's carriage. He breathes a sigh of guilty relief when he makes it to Shibuya and steps out onto the platform.

He has to take a second then to steel himself, which would earn him irritated glances in the real Tokyo, but the cognitions don't care; they part around him like water around a rock. Like he's supposed to be there, underground. But he doesn't let himself get distracted by it—he has to go in now, before he loses his nerve. Instead, he pulls out his phone.

"Mementos," he says, using the Nav for the first time since his arrival—the first time in months, the first time since January. The app chimes in recognition, and the world warps and twists around him, pulling him into the Metaverse.

[pheasantboy]

And Akechi is watching him, intending to slip through the carriage door once Ren has left the carriage. This he does, keeping an eye on Ren from the cover of the door—

But Ren doesn't move. He just stands there on the platform, pulling out his phone. What is he looking at, Akechi wonders—a map? His messages? Is he meeting someone? And then the world twists, and takes Ren with it, and


Moments later, he steps out of the train onto the platform, but Ren is gone. Akechi doesn't know what he saw, but he knows he lost time, and there's no sign of Ren. Looking this way and that, he runs up to try and locate him, but Shibuya Station is as much a maze as Mementos ever was.

And Ren could be anywhere. Pulling out his phone, he tries to call him, but it goes to voicemail. Something is badly wrong. Akechi hesitates, terrified for no reason he understands— and then he dials another number.

[flightpen]

Ren, meanwhile, manifests in an entrance to Mementos that's just as he remembers it from before everything happened with Maruki, except without the door to the Velvet Room and its pint-sized attendant. It sounds the same; it even smells the same. Behind his Joker mask, his face crumples. He just... misses it. He misses it all so fucking much.

Before anything else, he summons Raoul. He meant what he said to Akechi; he hasn't come here to die. His Personas are quieter than he remembers them, but Raoul comes nonetheless, hovering behind him as he stands at the top of the escalator and takes a deep breath. The level below looks more menacing when he's alone, and when he knows what waits down there. But Shadows can't reach this platform. If Ren wants to meet Akechi's Shadow, he has to descend.

And so he does, carefully, every cell tingling with danger. When he gets to the first real floor of Mementos, with its tiny Shadows fleeing his arrival, he calls out: "Akechi...?"

Nothing happens. Ren lets out a shaky breath and tries to turn his mind away from the flutter of relief he feels. "Fine," he says, and pulls out his phone again. "If you're gonna be stubborn, I'll just go floor by floor—" But when he opens the Nav to travel to the next rest stop, his eyes fall to the very last travel point, right at the bottom of the list.

Path of Da'at, Area 16. Maruki's cognitive control room. And the option is greyed out.

Eyes narrowed with a new suspicion, he taps it anyway. His phone vibrates harshly in his hand. Area inaccessible, his phone informs him.

"Why?"

He gets no answer, of course, so he taps the travel point again. Area inaccessible. And if Akechi's Shadow was anywhere, where else would it be?

As soon as he arrives in the next-closest rest stop, the earthquake drops him to his knees. His heart flips over with dread. But he's made it this far; he's not going to be turned away by something as trivial as the ground shaking. Baring his teeth, he drags himself upright again, and this time, when he calls Raoul, it's easier.

There aren't many Shadows, and the ones that are there are easily spooked, uninterested in fighting. With every floor Ren progresses, the earthquake gets stronger and the Shadow population gets smaller, until he reaches the very last floor, which is almost desolate. As he stumbles along the heaving tracks there, thinking wistfully of the Monabus, he starts to become aware that the earthquake is slowly dying down.

That's more frightening than anything that's come before, more frightening than the earthquake itself. But he can do this. He can be brave. He failed at it when it mattered, but he can do it now. He repeats this to himself as he makes his way, as the shaking of the corridor subsides into stillness. And then he finds the final elevator.

I am with you, Raoul murmurs in his heart. For some reason, Ren's eyes sting with tears. He blinks them impatiently aside and ascends the escalator.

[pheasantboy]

The moment his ego set eyes on that guy, the Shadow sank to his knees and screamed. Before long at all, he lost his form, but he didn't stop screaming; never even had the choice. Every quiet word, every grey-eyed glance burns like acid. Every moment that guy lives and breathes, talks in his ear, looks him in the eye is a moment the Shadow wants him dead.

At least, it would be if he could think at all. Instead, he screams, unending, because he can do nothing more, and the deepest parts of Mementos tremble at his word. Until, one day, he wakes.

He's still attuned to the things others most want. He knows when that attention is bent on him, and he knows when it's close. And it's close now. Cogniscient for the first time in weeks, he stops long enough to listen, and the quaking earth slows to nothing.

Ren, he thinks. And, with an effort not of will but of its soul-sibling desire, he coalesces for the first time in what seems like a lifetime. In every way, other than his accusing yellow eyes, he resembles Akechi as Ren saw him last.

[flightpen]

It takes Ren like a kick to the stomach. The eyes, the expression, the outfit—he exhales lips parting in regret and horror and longing and despair, all of them swirling together and tangling around each other in knots. Bare-faced, with Raoul behind him, he stands at the top of the escalator and meets the gaze of Akechi's Shadow in silence.

He probably should have thought of something to say before he got here.

[pheasantboy]

The Shadow takes a step closer—definitely stepping, rather than blinking ahead. While he spares Raoul a yellow-eyed glare, the bulk of his attention rests on—

"Joker. Returning to the scene of the crime?" Low and malevolent, his voice, Akechi's voice with barely a trace of distortion, will sound in Ren's ear as if they were embracing. And it will be clearest of all that this, rather than anywhere else, is the place that broken confidant bond is anchored.

[flightpen]

Ren takes a shaky breath. Raoul doesn't move, but a phantom hand on his shoulder steadies him nonetheless.

"I just. Wanted to meet you. That's all."

The splintered shards of their shattered bond are almost tangible. If Ren reached out, he could cut his hands on them.

[pheasantboy]

The Shadow's face screws up in disgust. If he had a pulse, he'd feel it pounding.

"Bullshit. You came down here to see your handiwork. To play your pitiful piece-of-shit guilt games with me!" He takes another silent step closer, on the control room's polished floor, feeling himself threaten to yawn wide open.

"What is it, am I your conscience now? Do you like what you see?" He throws his arms wide. "Do you have even the first inkling of what you did to me?"

[flightpen]

Before he got here, he would have said yes, he knew. Now, he's not so sure. His instincts are screaming at him that he's in danger; he swallows hard and ignores them.

"Tell me, then. If you want."

Does Akechi's Shadow exist at home? It must, right? Everyone has a Shadow, unless Maruki's reality has changed that. Is he just like this? All the time?

[pheasantboy]

Very well, then. All at once, lips twisted with hate, he raises his hands in Ren's direction. The black of his gloves—or are they gloves?—moves, with a vicious, viscid shimmer.

Thick ropes fly out of him, jet black and oozing, like the shit Shadows leave behind when they die. Faster than the eye can see, they make a beeline for Ren.

[flightpen]

And Ren is on edge, expecting an attack, but the misery of seeing Akechi like this weighs so heavily on him that his reaction time is just a little slower than it could be. He twists to the side but only manages to fall against the—ropes, tentacles, he doesn't know—whatever they are, they cage him in on either side, restricting his movement.

Trapped, he calls on Raoul, and a riot gun cascades down from the ceiling in a burst of golden chaos, targeted not at Akechi but at the black things keeping Ren in place. At the same time, he draws his dagger and tries to slash at them. His body thrums with adrenaline and fear; a sharper, more painful fear than he's ever felt in the Metaverse before, except for one time in December, in the engine room of Shido's Palace.

[pheasantboy]

But the black ropes the Shadow shot from his heart last only long enough to make his point; with a loud, snapping sound as they cut through the air, they retreat back into him. He comes closer, spitting rage, scratched and barely caring.

"You see? You're as blind and as stupid as you ever were! I spoonfeed your answers to you, and you ignore them! Or you kill them, which is the same, isn't it?" His lips have drawn back, and his teeth, rather than looking human, have a metallic gleam. Three metres separate them now, no more.

"What do you think Maruki did to me, when he had me in Mementos? How do you think he controls that puppet you made, that has my face?"

[flightpen]

Ren holds his dagger in a white-knuckled grip, balanced on the balls of his feet to ready himself to dodge again. His heart races with fear, and as Akechi talks, that fear only grows.

"I don't—I didn't know," he manages, aware as he says it of how utterly inadequate it is. But it's all he has to offer. His skin crawls at the image Akechi's Shadow presents. "I just thought... But if that's how it works, why hasn't he. Changed back, or something? Now that you're not..."

It isn't lost on him that the Akechi aboveground is different than he is back home. But he's more different still than he was before Ren made his decision. If Akechi's Shadow has to be... puppeted, or something... to make him that way, shouldn't he have changed more?

cw sa adjacent imagery

[pheasantboy]

The Shadow's whole face twists with loathing. "What happens to any stupid animal, when you train it? Before long, you don't have to train it any more."

He steps closer. All the while, he's never looked away. "I wish I'd known before. What it feels like to be a Shadow. It's like I'm a frame for nothing at all. A pretty void with a shell of skin. Or maybe that's just me, hm?" he adds, with a sour little laugh.

"Maybe it's not surprising, after I came here. After all the shit Maruki skewered me with was gone. That must have left a few holes." And, very close to Ren now, he finally looks down at his hand, as the black leather shifts and twists, as it lazily elongates and contracts in place. "I'd say you're lucky I'm not vindictive, but we both know that's a fucking lie."

[flightpen]

The thought of Maruki—of Akechi's Shadow—Ren can't even put it in words; even the image makes him want to vomit. He shudders. He can't stand it, he can't stand any of this, and he can't stand Akechi talking about himeslf like that. About either of them, the Akechi aboveground who's not a stupid animal or Akechi's Shadow, who's more than just a—a void.

He knows it's a bad idea to say so, but everything about this situation is a bad idea, and if he doesn't say anything he's going to scream, or cry. "Don't talk about yourself like that."

[pheasantboy]

The Shadow looks abruptly back at him, face hard, his stream of vitriol cut off. "What?"

[flightpen]

"Like you're a—a dumb animal, or a void. They're both wrong."

[pheasantboy]

"Don't mix me up with that thing you made! I'm nothing like him! Nothing! Do you understand me?" And his arm flies out, elongating only slightly, to grab Ren by his coat collar and shake him.

Hunger vibrates in the depths of him, unpredictable, twisting.

[flightpen]

"Okay, fine, I'm sorry." Ren's hands fly up to try to dislodge the Shadow's grip, but his efforts are halfhearted at best. That thing you made. I'm nothing like him. Akechi's not a thing, but the rest of it is true enough. "Then don't talk about yourself or him like that."

[pheasantboy]

He oozes closer, feet sticking to the floor. His other hand seizes Ren's collar. His eyes are wide, wide, golden like the moon on a summer night.

"If you wanted to keep giving me orders, Ren, you shouldn't have sold me out." He feels like he's floating. Like his chains have been lifted, and peace is close. Like it might soon all be over.

[flightpen]

This is really, really fucking bad. Ren thinks, briefly, of the real Akechi, and is glad he said his goodbyes. But he can't bear what Akechi's Shadow is saying, what he seems to believe about Ren's feelings.

"I'm sorry. About what I did. I—I am." His voice cracks. "But Akechi, I would never sell you out. I just—"

[pheasantboy]

I would never sell you out. His face freezes. The words touch something that somehow still exists inside him.

It lasts no more than a moment, before his face twists and he throws Ren aside like a doll, making to follow him. "You fucking liar."

[flightpen]

Akechi's Shadow is stronger than he could ever be in reality; Ren hits the floor with a bone-bruising thud and gasps. Somewhere in his flight, he's let go of his dagger. Breathing hard from pain and adrenaline, he stares urgently at Akechi's Shadow as he tries to push himself to his feet. If he can't do anything else here, maybe he can at least make this known.

"It wasn't like that. I didn't want you to die. I couldn't—it wasn't because I didn't—"

He's losing track of his words again, now, when he needs them most. Fuck.

[pheasantboy]

"I told you I wanted to die!" Composure gone, voice distorting, the Shadow comes apart, impacting on the walls in a flash of black rage before snapping back together at Ren's side, with his shoulders in an iron grip. "What about any of this do you think I wanted?!

"All that shit you fed me about how you couldn't bear to let me die!" He shakes Ren as if he's wringing him out. "You were right. You could never be a traitor, Joker. You haven't got the balls! I'd rather be back with Shido than with you!"

His hands are still knotted in Ren's coat.

[flightpen]

The cruelty of it takes Ren's breath away, all the more so because he knows Akechi's Shadow means it. For a moment all Ren can do is stare at him, wide-eyed, bleeding grief and hurt into the space between them.

His mind is utterly blank. He has no idea what he can say, but he tries anyway. "Akechi..."